![]() Step 3: Once we notice the ideal causing the shame or fear … we can begin to loosen our attachment to it. Maybe we also have an ideal that there will be no uncertainty, only stability and control, and so fear comes up when this ideal isn’t met. For fear … it often comes from a lack of trust, and a sense of uncertainty. Why do we not like this thing about ourselves? Is there an ideal or expectation we’ve created that causes this dislike? Maybe I think I should be perfect at work or exercise, and I’m not living up to that. Then notice that it’s coming from a sense of not liking something about ourselves. What does this feel like? Where is it coming from? For example, we can feel shame and then be curious about how it feels in our body. Step 2: From this place of noticing, we can become curious. You’ll notice that neither shame nor fear is that bad, nothing to hate, they’re just sensations. Just being mindful of sensation, not getting caught up in them. So the first step is just noticing the sensation caused by fear or shame, without judgment, just observing. Then we can see them as “no big deal.” They’re not a problem, just a sensation in our body. Step 1: When shame or fear comes up, we can notice. It’s the letting the fear hold us back from doing what we would otherwise do, or hurt our happiness, that becomes the real difficulty. It’s the holding on to the fear that becomes the problem. So fear comes up - that in and of itself isn’t a problem. Emotions come up without our control … but what we do once they come up is, at least to some extent, up to us. So fear and shame will arise, no matter how much meditation we do, no matter how much we work on ourselves. What I’m proposing is that we can let go of them when they come up, or at least not let them control us. ![]() Now, I’m not saying you can live a life completely free of shame and fear - they will come up whether you like it or not. Life without shame and fear would be more easeful, more peaceful, more confident and trusting. You could miss a couple of workout sessions (or meditation, healthy eating, journaling, etc.) and just start again, without beating yourself up for messing up. You could talk to strangers more easily, rather than worrying about what they might think of you. You could be happy with who you are, instead of feeling shame about yourself or your body. You could just be present with what’s happening right now, rather than feeling bad about what you’ve already done. Imagine what your life would be like without shame. I’d stress out about the future less, trusting more. I’d openly and lovingly have difficult conversations instead of putting them off. I might give public talks with a greater sense of ease and confidence. Imagine that you didn’t feel fear (I’m not saying that’s possible, but imagine it) … how would you act differently? For me, I might take bolder chances with my business, push into areas that usually scare the crap out of me. They allow us to envision who we could be without shame and fear. Those aren’t just idle questions: take a moment to reflect on them. How would you act if you were free of fear? What would it be like if you were free of shame? We allow shame to make us feel bad about ourselves and our lives, degrading our happiness and relationships. So we allow fear to cause us to shrink from taking the action we want, or to make those actions less enjoyable. We stress out about upcoming trips, meetings, parties, projects because of fear of how it’ll go.We shrink away from difficult tasks or projects because of fear of discomfort or being overwhelmed.We don’t speak the truth or have difficult conversations for fear of the fallout of such directness.We feel shaky if we have to give a presentation or speech, and so we do worse (and feel shame about it) or enjoy it less than we could.We fear the unknown, and so we stress out about the uncertainty in our lives.We don’t call our loved ones as much as we’d like, and feel shame around that.We don’t exercise, meditate, write, journal, read or eat as well as we’d like, and feel shame around these failures.We procrastinate or get lost in distraction, and feel shame around that laziness or lack of focus.We are unhappy with ourselves or our bodies, and feel a sense of shame around how we look or how we are.Some examples of shame and fear that are fairly common: Shame and fear pervade most of our lives to an extent rarely understood, so that our days revolve around them. Many of us are so often in a state of shame or fear that we often don’t realize they’re even there.
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